zhumzhum

i'd go for bossa or lounge or jazz. it relaxes my mind and twists it. i love it.

BUZZ!!!
whutdfeck: i need your help
private white: yep???
whutdfeck: meron akong idea...tanong...na gusto ko madevelop into something...
private white: nice status message...
whutdfeck: ikaw makakatulong saken
private white: ano un
private white: anu un?.
private white: photg?.
whutdfeck: nde
private white: photog?.
whutdfeck: kwento
private white: bakit ako?..
private white: hahaha
private white: bastos ba yan?..
private white: hahahaha
whutdfeck: gago
whutdfeck: hahaha


whutdfeck:whutdfeck: meron akong isang plot for indie film sana kaso i dont know what to do with it
whutdfeck: d nga ata sya plot
whutdfeck: idea lang
Ma.Paula Reyes: ano yun?
whutdfeck: kase one time bumisita ako sa public cemetery..
whutdfeck: tapos yung surroundings nagstick sakin...
whutdfeck: yung mga tao na kuikita sa patay..
Ma.Paula Reyes: hmm
Ma.Paula Reyes: tapos
whutdfeck: tapos merong mga patay na hanggang sa puntod nila sinisingil sila ng utang
whutdfeck: as in nakasulat sa nitso nila
whutdfeck: ayun..
Ma.Paula Reyes: waaaa
Ma.Paula Reyes: creepy @_@
whutdfeck: i know
whutdfeck: pero ang ganda nung lugar
Ma.Paula Reyes: isulat mo na!!
whutdfeck: yung ang cinematic ng magiging dating nya
whutdfeck: may kwento eh
whutdfeck: may tanong..sabi diba ni ricky lee, dapat may


private white: ano nga
private white: hahaha
whutdfeck: yan basahin mo
private white: hmmmm
private white: sounds interesting kaya lang parang hindi xa realistic at ang hirap panindigan..
private white: hindi kaya?..
whutdfeck: panong mahirap panindigan?
private white: wait
whutdfeck: kk
private white: u mean ung mga taong kumikita sa patay, sinisingil ung ma patay?.
whutdfeck: hahaha..parang..meron akong photo nung nitso na yun eh
whutdfeck: yung parang hinahabol pa ng buhay yung patay..
whutdfeck: ganun
private white: hmmm..
private white: comedy ba to?..
private white: di ko xa maintindihan..
private white: hehehe
whutdfeck: hahaha
private white: comedy nakikita ko eh
private white: hehe
whutdfeck: nde xa comedy...
whutdfeck: frustrated movie xa
whutdfeck: yung mapapagod ka kakanood kase nakakafrustrate
private white: hmmmm
private white: i see
whutdfeck: eto yung parang main idea nya.."yung kung maeend ba talaga ng death ang problema o magsisilbing start lang nito ng mas mraming problema"
private white: e di imaginary ung place na un
whutdfeck: bakit imaginary?
private white: kasi sabi mo nakasulat sa puntod ung mga utang nila
private white: wow!
private white: i like the idea...
private white: very fresh
whutdfeck: haha ayan naging clear na?
whutdfeck: thank you thank you
private white: yeah
private white: i love it
private white: kaya lang ang parang dark xa...
private white: hmmm...
whutdfeck: dark tlga
private white: ung tipong kung isasapelikula, walang gagamiting artficial light...
private white: hmmm'
whutdfeck: tama tama...
whutdfeck: gritty ko kasi sya nakikita..
whutdfeck: alam ko na din yung sementeryo
private white: anu un?..
private white: gritty?..
private white: mahirap imarket yang ganyang movie
whutdfeck: hard..hindi smooth...
whutdfeck: i know..
private white: ahhh
whutdfeck: pang indie ko nakita eh
private white: okie lang
private white: pero ang kinecater ngaun ng mga indie producer, ung mga nakikita lang sa paligid na may laliom ung istorya
whutdfeck: pero i need kase the inside
whutdfeck: haha i dont care about the producers man
whutdfeck: *yabang*
whutdfeck: hehehe
private white: hehehehe
private white: sa bagay
private white: hehehehe
private white: yeah..
private white: whts the inside
private white: mukang mahirap tumayo
whutdfeck: yung mismong twists and turns nya..
private white: yeah
whutdfeck: mga incidents..
whutdfeck: yung ganun...
private white: ang magandang atake nyan ung parang jologs..
private white: ung tipong interconnected
private white: or...
private white: naisip ko lang...
private white: di ko alam kung posible..
private white: pabaligtad ung storya
private white: hehehehe
private white: parang ploning
whutdfeck: like how?
whutdfeck: d ko panood yun eh
whutdfeck: pero ive thought of the interconnection na
private white: like... puro patay muna ung ipapakita..
private white: ung tipong sa alam na sa libingan ung susunod na eksena
private white: tapos dun na ipapakita ung mga istorya talag
private white: gets mo?..
private white: hahaha
whutdfeck: hmmmm..tama tama
private white: ung masahista pala
private white: ganun ung storya
whutdfeck: naisip ko nga ang unang makikita, libing..
private white: try mo panuorin masahista o di kaya ploning..
whutdfeck: yung merong umiiyak ng malakas "naket mo ko iniwan?!pano na mga anak naten?!
private white: ganda ng plot nila...
private white: yeah..
whutdfeck: will do will do
whutdfeck: pero help me out with the story
private white: tapos ung ausdio magooverlap sa eksena kung papano namatay
whutdfeck: ah may narration?
private white: wala
private white: boring
private white: ung tipong ung mga hagulgol maririnig habang binabaril na ung patay kanina..
private white: o di kaaya kunwari habulan
private white: tapos ung putok ng baril magooverlap or may katunog dunsa susunod na eksena na naguumpisa na ung problema..
private white: gets?..
private white: heheheheh
private white: hirap ipaliwanag
whutdfeck: *gulong*
whutdfeck: haha di ko nagets yung pagooverlap
private white: ung pagooverlap kasi un ung magcoconect sa eksena na pabalik pala ung kwento at malalaman lang pag tapos na ung movie
whutdfeck: parang may napanood akong ganun.....
whutdfeck: though may naisip ako..yung tipong it will pick up from that libing...tapos..merong isang tao..na babagsakan ng problema nung namatay...
whutdfeck: kaso parang mababaw
whutdfeck: eto yung pic oh..
private white: hmmm
private white: waaaahhhh!
private white: anlalim nito!
private white: potah!!!
whutdfeck: hihihi...
private white: un palang pic may kwento na
whutdfeck: nako kelangan mo pumunta at tumambay sa sementryong yan
private white: bakit?.
private white: san ba yan?.
whutdfeck: basta
whutdfeck: lakas tama saken eh
private white: ohmaygawd!
private white: e piktyur pa nga lang kinilabutan na ko eh
whutdfeck: oo..pramis lalo na pag makita mo nga headless angels..
whutdfeck: hoemji
private white: wohooo!!!
private white: parang mas maganda gawan ng istorya ung semnteryo mismo
private white: not the people in it
whutdfeck: yun nga din..kaya ang gulo ng utak ko..
whutdfeck: di ko din alam kung ano focus
private white: hahahaha
whutdfeck: eto patawa lang
private white: ahahahaha
private white: cool
private white: i love it
private white: hhahahahaha
whutdfeck: d lng din kase clear
whutdfeck: phone lang yan...
private white: hehehe
whutdfeck: picturesque talaga
whutdfeck: yun ang gusto kong setting nya
private white: yeah
private white: parang may naisip na ko
private white: may nabasa kasi aki dati sa magazine na pmabata ung title
whutdfeck: anu?
private white: ung mga kaluluwa ung naguusap usap
whutdfeck: anu pinaguusapan nila?
private white: un ang magdadal ng kwento
private white: idea lang un
private white: ung tipong hindi natin ipapaalm na kaluluwa lang sila
private white: ung mga makakpanood na magiisip kung ano sila
whutdfeck: hmmmm..and what would they talk about if ever?
private white: hmmm
private white:
private white: about sa baging dating?..
private white: i mean ung bagong ililibing?.
private white: hahhahahaha
private white: ambabaw ata
whutdfeck: hahaha nakakainis..ang naisip kong kaluluwa yung cliche na kaluluwa
whutdfeck: yung translucent
private white: bwahahaha
whutdfeck: stupid ko
whutdfeck: hahaha
private white: caper?..
private white: casper
private white: ung tipong they look like a normal person
private white: waaaahhhh
private white: naghang na naman
private white: takte
private white: restart lang ako

private white has signed out. (5/22/2009 1:14 AM)

whutdfeck: cge cge

you know what's hard?when everything is beyond words that the only thing that can sooth the situation is a friend, but even a friend is caught up in the situation.

this is when i wish i could disappear.

i had my tongue pierced out of the blue...its a pretty simple thing to do, but with my family..and my mom..it will cause such a ruckus..hahaha....but the moment i did that, i felt strong and independent..

sleep just got robbed out of me...so many thoughts swirled around my cottage cheese head but only one of them has a face. a sickeningly beautiful face. i ask now if tears shed silently and secretly has more salt content for, even briefly, it stings like hell.and oh, i know how cold summer nights feel like. complete with clammy hands and feet. that's why even though i try hard to rub my skin to warm myself, i only feel colder.

i wish i could turn back time and prevent myself for..for i don't know what. maybe if i did good enough back in elementary, i would probably be in a specialized class..and knowing me, i'd probably force myself to stay there, stay somewhere you did not, and could not possibly belong, thwarting the meeting that doomed me to God knows how long. on second thought, i should not blame this on God, it's all my fault because i let myself in even without your permission. i saw your smiles as invitation. Fuck me for being so fat and naive. i wish i could have been fat and stony. or cold. or unromantic. whatever.

Super bored, walang nagtetext sakin kundi si EW. Experiencing a block habang nagrerevise ng thesis that I chanced upon this saved blog entry of Paula sa documents ko. (wait, do i have to..ay sige na nga...)

So i was saying, I chanced upon this, actually minsan pag gabi tapos wala akong magawa, i ogle at this thing pero ngayon ko lang naisip isipin kung nagkabisa nga ba yung mga sinabi ng cards na galing sa mga kamay ko..(oyeah..im madame rocha of doodles)

here's the list kung tinatamad kayong hanapin sa page ni pau yung results.. I'll just put inputs after each person....opinyon ko lang naman to ano...tapos pasensya na din dun sa mga walang inputs..di daw kayo kaya ng powers ko...



arjay
-unang yayaman
-pinakayayaman
-unang magkaka-anak
-positive change
-sisikat
-may pinakamaraming anak
-hindi magkakaanak
-magpapakasal
-magkakaroon ng lover na foreigner
-mahihila ng bisyo
-mababankrupt
-will end up with a fellow doodle
-malululong sa love
-sad ending this year
-madalas hihingi ng tulong sa kapwa doodle
-pinakamagaling sa ***
-bonggang S life
-manyak

*the ones i highlighted on arjay are pretty much interconnected with each other..starting with the malululong sa love. Isnt arjay always like this? Haha..i dont know if he's just that of a hopeless romantic..and for me, it kind of looks like its a vice na..you know when you could not just let it go..diba that's where it becomes a vice na?haha...so thats where malululong sa bisyo comes in. yung last three items..naka ano yun, naka3-1-2 order..since manyak, mahilig sya..since mahilig sya, well..go figure..hahahaha...(peace gurl..c:) oh I forgot! Hindi na masyadong napipikon talaga tong si arjay...oha, positive change..naks....c:

fred
-forever ang lovelife
-unang mag-aabroad
-negative change
-unang makakapag invest
-pinaka maraming mapupuntahang country
-pinaka luluha
-pinakamatagal ang buhay
-magkakaroon ng successful business
-mahirap lapitan
-pinakamahirap
-pinakamasayang S life
-makikipag date sa rock star
-papasok sa politika
-experience with a celebrity
-masakit na pangyayari this year
-magbibilang ng lover
-pinakaswerte
-mahihirapan maghanap ng perfect career

*alam naman naten na fred, together with the Pep lost the crown this year...ngayon pang graduating...kame..haha..leech naman kase yung isang prof...

shecay
-may makkyeme this week
-unang makakabuntis
-hindi makakalimot sa doodles
-mawawala pero babalik
-mananalo sa lotto
-pinakamadaling lapitan ng doodles
-magkakaroon ng second degree
-will meet his partner unexpectedly
-trophy ng partner
-magiging dependent sa family
-controversial
-hindi gusto ang lover
-pay for S
-honest sa doodles

*meron ka nga bang nakakyeme?haha..update!!!

ash
-magiging bum after grad
-magiging masaya sa buhay in all aspects
-una magkaka-apo
-pinakamasaya ang lovelife forever
-may almost perfect na partner
-magiging boss
-trophy ang partner
-panget ang lovelife
-pinakamalaki ang laman ng bank account
-pinaka gwapo ang partner
-unang magkaka kotse
-unang magkaka-condo
-magkakaroon ng pinakatamang desisyon,life changing
-will get something big this year
-mangangailangan sa doodles
-biggest regret
-magkakalat ng lahi
-i told you so
-will keep the communication of doodles alive

*the first three highlighted items are once again interconnected with each other..he decided to take that internship and he did get something big...at dahil dun, malaki laman ng bank account nya!!!!!! pero syempre hindi naman nawawala si ash sa sirkulasyon kahit busy na sya.

red
-bigla na lang mawawala
-makakapag asawa ng mayaman
-unang yayaman
-magpapa-plastic surgery
-malaki ang maitutulong sa family

*basta yan totoo sa palagay ko.harhar

chiena
-unang mabubuntis
-mabbum after grad
-hindi magiging successful ang lovelife
-pinaka maraming anak
-magiging kabit
-kakainin ang mga salita
-will get something big this year
-pinakamagandang gift this xmas
-pinakamagandang ojt
-magiging independent sa family

*i get chills with chiena's prediction talaga........

sheh
-unang magpapakasal
-unang mag-aabroad
-magkakasakit pero gagaling

*she diba kasal ka na?hahaha..c:

aiko
-magiging pinakamasaya sa buhay in general
-pinaka mauutangan
-magkakaroon ng pinakamaraming lover bago mag-settle
-papatok sa field ng masscomm
-magkakaroon ng conflict sa family ng karelasyon
-pinaka suportado ng family
-magaling sa ***
-mabubuntis ng hindi nya gustong guy

*hahaha!apir!

angel
-pinakamalalayo sa doodles
-pinakamaraming pera
-unang magkakabahay
-mabubuntis ng wala sa oras
-magstick sa journ
-give up family for love
-madaming baby
-insecure sa kapwa doodle
-greatest S experience

*yung last diba last year pa yun?hahahaha..jowk...peace na tayo...pero yung sa journ..alam naman nateng lahat yan....

jam
-una magkaka-apo
-unang mag-aabroad
-lapitin ng foreigner
-una magkaka-lovelife this year
-magiging pinaka materialistic
-entertainment
-give up career for family
-will date a rock star
-give up love for career
-baog

*pinagpilitan ko talaga..hahaha..hindi naman sinabing...two way lovelife..diba?!

nose
-pinaka yayaman
-magkakaroon ng more than 3 na anak
-pinaka-active na S life
-pinakamasayang valentines
-conflict sa family
-conflict sa kapwa doodle
-controversial in general
-magkakaroon ng declined friendship

paula
-magiging successful in general
-pinaka loving ang asawa
-mag-iiba ng line of work
-magfifinance ng headquarters ng doodles
-magkakaroon ng karelasyon sa 4-2
-magmmigrate for good
-will meet her partner unexpectedly

ayay
-unang ikakasal
-unang magkaka-anak
-magkakaroon ng successful writing career
-hindi magsstay sa manila with doodles
-will get something big this year
-magandang valentines
-give up career for love

*yung last..ayay..diba nasa career mo yung lurve mo?hahaha....so hindi pwede to manyare..hahaha

probably greed...i kind of grew up as the spoiled baby in the family..and i like having things..like whatever i wish..but now its kinda different, but the impulse to be envious is there already..and im really not proud of it..

though seriously, there's no coherent thought in my head. no threads to ponder. its simply, and unceremoniously blank.

i dont feel sleepy. its like i dont know my blanket. its a bit too short or too big for me. i drown in it. im not scared, even though i just finished watching 1408. i tried moving my bed, turning on the fan and even taking my other pillow away (coz i have three pillows, two for my head and the other one's my yakap..) not every effort is a futile one.

did you know that i met marc nelson on my last day at Mega? i came across this thought again and i realized i havent really wrote anything about it. i have a thing with keeping precious memories away from my words because im afraid it'll lose its..magic.

we did a shoot for March cover last..i dunno..January6 or 7 at heritage hotel. i was looking forward to it last year pa coz Ms.Cam told me that they'll be having Paula Taylor for the cover. I never had any expectatios naman of seeing anybody except Paula there, kaya when the day came and I was already in the hotel fixing the Firmas and the LVs I only prepared myself for my close encounter with Paula Taylor.

But not Marc.

Seriously, I was winded out when I saw him. Well, I really did not see all of him agad, it was just his big..yummy..biceps. When Paula came in kase, basta the agent came like a little later pa.. basta it was just the two of them ata. I was inside the bedroom kase with Nante (the hair person) sprawled sa bed. I craned my neck to see who's with Paula, and that's when all wind went out of me. Like for three to four seconds. I didnt know whether I should continue with what im doing or just sit and marvel at my luck.

Gosh, we were there, in just one suite. My super childhood crush.

His smile was blinding. Though both of them were. I learned that they are together, confirmed it when i chatted with their agent. Paula stayed with Marc during the holidays blah blah. I suddenly remembered one article about Marc where he was asked what kind of clothes he prefers a woman should wear. know what his answer was? "anything that looks good on my bedroom floor in the morning." I imagined tuloy, kase Paula was wearing a gray... basta its a kind of dress that showed most of her long legs. I cried inside.

But I did get to talk to Marc. Like he was standing close beside me and I asked what he wants for lunch..(intern nga pala ako...hmmp) and when he asked me to order breakfast for Paula..(hmmp ulit) nakakatawa..coz i had a flash...

Marc : (looks at the menu) hmm..I'll have fried beef kway teoy and water..
Jam : *drools* oh..sorry..what was that again? I was busy looking at you.. *more drooling*
Marc : fried beef--*ngiti*haha,youre hitting on me,are you?
Jam-yeah..yeah i guess i am..*dreamy look*


I had a hard time leaving the suite and Marc behind for the shoot coz we had to do it sa pool area. And Ms.Cam sent me there first pa. I thought about talking to Paula eh, kaso I got shy and just focused on helping her with the dresses. But she was nice din, though the harsh Manila sun really really bothered her. Kame nga na pwedeng magpunta sa shaded area ng pool deck nabobother, sya pa kaya na naka dress at naka-makeup by Chechel Joson at hair doen ala LV eh di mabobother? Eventually she kind of lost the chirpy air around her, pero it got back naman when they retouched her makeup and she had to sit infront of the fan.

And then Marc came down. *sighs* He went beside Paula and they kissed. Slight lang naman.. peck lang. I looked around kela Ms.Cam if they saw it.. seemed like I was the only one who got affected.

So the shoot ended. Paula was kind of in a rush coz she still had to attend a commitment. She was still wearing the dress for the last layout when they went back sa suite. Grabe, I wanted to go coz I dont wanna miss my last goodbye kay Marc, but Ms.Cam told me to wait for help coz I had to bring pa the rack of clothes with me. I really wanted to ask Ms.Cam if they already left, but knowing her, she would probably tease me when I get there. And that's what Im really scared of. Haha, I dont know why. That's why I kept quiet.

Good thing though, they were still there when I got back. The hotel staff wanted to have a photo op with them, so i still had the chance to ogle Marc for the last time. Haha, and i did that while I was fixing the clothes. My heart jumped when i heard them say goodbye to everyone. I could still hear Marc's gratitude to Patrick and Ms.Cam...

Marc : (to Pat the fashion ed.) Thank you for making her beautiful...
Marc : (to Ms.Cam the fashion assistant) Thank you for taking care of her..

Shet, dont I get a thank you for "helping her with the zippers and the buttons?" My gosh..

But he did said goodbye to me.. and i waved stupidly with a garment ba on my hand. Soooo me.

And then, disaster happened. I really dont want to elaborate. I just erased the credits of the shoot from my phone. So me again.

a lot of different.. futures presented itself to me this past few days. You see, i've had a lot of stuff fed into my brain so i did hell lot of thinking. a lot of people have ideas on how i should live my life, and it kind of suck because, i admit, i am weak, i get influenced easily specially when im getting tired of the information jam theyre giving me, i tend to really give in. no teeth at all.

i want to leave everything. leave everyone who's trying to fit me into their idea of how i should live my life. i want to leave everything. i just dont know how. i thought to myself, i'll work and work and work, and then i'll leave. move to another place where no one knows me so i can collect the pieces and repair the chipped part of me from living with different people.

i also realized that i should not long to repair someone because im more broken than they are. and i really dont want to do the repairs, im just looking for someone who's broken so someone will understand.

i have the same birthday as shakespeare. I probably inherited a bit of his tragic romanticism because love and death appeals to me.

as much as possible, i go by my daily routine.. spread the love!

karev! haha..the "tough as nails but sof as butter" kind..aww..

i'd rather live by the ocean. im a sun person, and being alone by the ocean isn't as sad as being alone in the mountains.

we make our future. no one can predict the future as a whole, we can only tell ours,

i think it does.. there's something about the..fullness (?) of it that awes us and in that minute of quiet awe.. something happens in our brain and it makes us do or behave quite differently.. it enchants and hypnotize us..

i cannot erase the image of the curves, the confirmed 6 packs from my mind. i know ive seen it a couple of times, he even stripped, like a gift on my last birthday, but i still cannot get over it.

haha, i have to have him. HAHAHA.

 

--

 

i just read my first post for the Intern Extraordinaire series, and it bothered me how SHALLOW i was of my judgement. Prada. Gucci. Malls. Diba ang shallow?

am i too vague?

office. four walled surrounding. dress codes. stiff orders. deadlines.

rapt taptapping of keyboards sways the calm beating of my heart. shocks it. making it jump to my throat. i choke. i choke it back to where it belongs. my heart feels huge. my ribs arent big enough to contain my nervous bloated heart. with my slightly damaged lungs.

somewhere in my fingers lies a cold draft. blowing, swirling every five minutes.

my cranium left open and my brain just flew away.

i wanna have a library full of rare, banned and just weird books.

 

i'll add that to my dream house picture.

--

 

earlier, photography came up into our afternoon conversation. it wafted and tickled my nose. i miss doing it. i really do.. i feel like im super amateur again when i'll do it again. i'll ask whoever's my photographer tomorrow nga about photography.

 

sana si paolo. sana hindi.

its just a simple case of last song syndrome. and im probably just beating myself to a pulp again. or it may not be a simple last song syndrome because it came when you suddenly announced your arrival.

and my head started singing to you.,...

"im seeing saturn through a telescope.."