zhumzhum

__________,

dear self,

this is magical.. I typed out the letter the day before, while waiting for mods to approve, the day after i receive a comment from Louise, my lecturer.. i was amazed at first, and was like D: how do she know what i was thinking?

this makes me sure that the anon from before is her!! i am so happy!! her comments for me makes my day!! i am so excited now.. hmm, should i tell her what i am thinking? that i am grateful that her comment makes my day? or that her comments gives me energy? if i decide to tell her, will i be able to do so? i feel shy by just thinking of it...

love,
azu


dear honey,

you leaved me.. i always knew this would happened.. But i never thought that you would leave me at time like this, times when i need you the most..

this is not the first time.. are you bored with me already? i love you so much.. without you my heart is hollow.. Please don't leave me, k?

Ty,
We met a month or two ago, at the bar where you work. You were off-duty and completely drunk. We had a conversation consisting of "you're gorgeous", "you're drunk" repeated ad infinitem.

Last Tuesday, I went back to the bar where you work. Asked one of your coworkers where you were. you were on your way in, because this is your hobby as well as your place of work.  When you came in, the first thing I said to you was "We need to talk.  I'm pregnant."  Then I cracked up, and once I'd reassured you that it wasn't true, you started laughing too.

You bought me drinks, and we talked for three hours.  We talked about Disney films, and suicide attempts.  We both live with our grandparents.  I told you about nanowrimo.  We talked about everything.  Your friends told me that you were lovely, but not the brightest bulb in the box.  I didn't see that about you.

You kept telling me that I'm gorgeous. I teased you about drinking too much, and forgetting me.  You didn't remember me from the last time we met at all, but you said you didn't mind, because you were enjoying getting to know me now.

The expression on your face told me that that was true.  You barely took your eyes off me.

You leant me your jacket when I was cold.  When I left, you walked me to the bus stop, and insisted I wear your jacket.  You waited with me, and, because I was still cold, you reached out and hugged me.  You smelt absolutely delicious.  I didn't hug you back, because I was carrying heavy bags.

When the bus came, I gave the jacket back.  You tried to convince me to keep it, and if I had, maybe things would have been different.  Maybe not though, because I doubt that such a little thing would really have changed anything.

On Friday, I saw you again.  You were working, so for once, I was sober and you were drunk.  You didn't pay me any attention that time.  You weren't unfriendly, and you were happy to be hugged and kissed on the cheek (I am a friendly drunk), but you didn't look at me like you had.  You looked at me like I was just anyone.

I went in again on Sunday, when I didn't expect you to be there.  You were though, working again.  Again, you were distant, more so.  You didn't actively ignore me - you were happy to serve me, when I caught your attention, and you answered my questions - but you stayed away from me.  Even when we were involved in the same conversation, you stood on the other side of the other person, as far away as possible from me while still talking.  You wouldn't even come near me to pick up the empty glasses.

I asked you how much of me you remembered.  I said I knew you remembered Friday, because you'd been sober then, but I hoped you'd try to forget, because I'm a bad drunk.  I asked how much you remembered of Tuesday.  You didn't remember much of it at all.  You remembered that I'd been there,and almost got my name right, but nothing else.

I tried to make a joke out of it.  I pointed out that, since I remembered, I knew more about you than you did about me.  You asked me what I knew, while already halfway back across the bar.

I chickened out.  I wasn't going to bring up the comparative suicide attempts, or your living arrangements, or the way you smell, or that you're the perfect height to hug me (6'4 to my 5'5 and a half), or anything else.   That we'd talked about me seeing two people drink themselves to death, for instance. I came out with the lamest observation ever - that you like Disney films.  But it's still better than anything else I could have said.

You forgot me.  You drank me away.

I think you could have been something I'd be good at.

You're an idiot.

I wish you didn't just pop into my head out of nowhere every so often.

I hate missing you. I don't even want to. I don't even think I like you. But sometimes you come back out of nowhere, and I wish it was you and not just memories of how fun you were. I know I'll never give more than a pleasant howdy again, so how about your shadow leaves as thoroughly as you did?

Thanks.

Thank you for the feedback the other day. It was greatly appreciated!!!

Here's a few more from earlier today...



( yes, u can naw has mor )

I didn't think about you today.
Nor you.
While the Sun was setting I thought of the Sunrise
- that one a few years back,
where the sky was pink and full of promises.
You didn't exist in that moment, either.
Silly, silly.

It's at 8,000 words.

I think I need to get outside and use the remote shutter release. For now, I'm just showing off the wrinkles. haha



I've said it before, and I'll say it again... you're all absolutely beautiful. Keep posting.

&hearts

Dear Brown-Eyed Boy,

Yes, I had you teach me how to tie a tie to be flirty.

But I wasn't counting on you standing behind me and having your knuckles brush against my nipples half a dozen times.

How serendipitous!

Love,
Horny ole me

I wrote this email and it has been sitting in my drafts folder for a while, along with about three others. It was too hurtful to send. I still care deeply about the person I was intending to send it to and go back and forth between sending this and sending one completely, totally different. But I'm just too hurt to do anything. ( I'm sure this belongs under a cut. )

Dear Macy's-
   Please hire me. I feel like I'm trapped in a hard place without a steady income. I know I'm not your regular girl or really suited for ultimate retail but I work hard, always am on time, have extraordinary manners, and am friendly. I just need a part time job to pay the bills.
-Hopeful
Applicant

Dear tutor

i need help.  i know you dont know this at the moment.  i need your help so bad.  i am drowning and no body knows.  well the doctor knows.  but the doctor cant help me, he can only advise me and there is nothing he can do if i dont follow his advice.  i probably should have followed your advice in the first place when i told you i wanted to leave and you said discuss it with the councelling service.  but i didnt.  i was too afraid.  the doctor advised me to go to the councelling service too after i told him about my problem, but i still havent gone.

i know you cant help me as all you know is that i have a "family problem" and i didnt elaborate on that.  i wish you had made me tell you what was wrong.  but you didnt.  i dont hav a family problem.  i am depressed and hav an ed and i si.  so there u hav it. 

i only told the doctor about the depression.  i wish i could tell you wot was wrong.  then you could actually advise me on wot on earth im supposed to do about my course, and sort out whether i can suspend it and come back next year.  but i know i wont tell you.  you have only met me once.  you probably hav forgotton all about me.  i wonder wot you would do if you actually knew wot was wrong.  then again, im sure you really dont care. 

i wish someone knew.  i wish that someone was you.

 Dear M.:
You'll never know how wonderful it was to hear you call me your best friend. I haven't had one in so long, and it means so incredibly much to me... I love you so much. You're my best friend, too.

Dear other M.:
I never told you, and I really should've... when we were younger, and I was crying at our graduation, and all my friends didn't notice or thought crying was wimpy, you came over and hugged me. You held me as I sobbed into your shoulder, for at least six full minutes. I remember everyone around us giving us funny looks, since you didn't really fit in with us... but that moment made me so thankful to know you. And then this year, you slow danced with me... and it didn't mean anything romantic, just that you and I are good friends who make each other happy. Thank you for everything.


I really should send these.