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i wish i could grow antlers and ungrow boobs

I had been meaning to do this with my room for quite a while


( one )

It's been a really long time since I've actually posted in here.. I really do check my lj at least once every two days, I just rarely update anything.....




( that shows off my smiley, this only shows off my vanity... )

...Longer yet since you've seen my face....deal me in

I gotta apologize. I went to the HUGE thrift shop we have last week but since we didn't intend to go there, I didn't even have my cell on me, much less my camera. It was so full of "The 80s called, they want their puke back." It hurt me with each step that I couldn't take pics. XD Maybe next time.

Here's some more stuff from the smaller store. Follow the trashy looking DivaStar.



( Such a tiny little shop... )

Hopefully I've vaguely amused you for five to ten minutes. <3

Excitement passed.
My Love was working and the baby wanted
whole wheat toast.
Toaster shot.
There is nothing exciting here.
Perhaps if I were wearing roller skates.
Perhaps.

T-Rex.
I must say that you are, hands down, the best decision that I've made this year.
When I first saw you, it was during our four required days of going to band during the summer. You were the new kid, playing the mellophone next to who we thought was our best mellophone player. Wise harassed you repeatedly, & you temporarily looked like you were regretting that your parents moved you to our tiny town. I hated you inititally - do you remember that? Your face, from a distance, reminded me of this kid that played clarinet a year before. I hated him. That caused me to hate you also. I made fun of you when I could. You let your facial expressions do most of your talking.
By the time band camp rolled around, you were becoming friends with one of my friends. I made fun of you even more. But before I knew it, we were becoming friends. I hated it at first. But by that Thursday night when we were at the band meeting with our parents & I met your dad, I had given up. You were becoming my new best friend. I could never remember your name, so I decided to give you a nickname.
I called you T-Rex.
I remember going to band practice & sitting on the hill before I had to take over my unfortunate duties as section leader at 3:30. You talked to Danielle a lot - I could tell that you liked her. But when it came to getting up, you'd always grab my hand & help me up. I remember the flicker of hope I had when you first did that. Then I remembered - you liked her. Then I realized, does that mean I like you?
You realized Danielle had a boyfriend & went after her best friend. I got a little more upset when you told me you wanted to ask her to homecoming. I was your best friend though - I was there for you. I listened to you talk about her, I kept pestering you until you got the courage to ask her. Then she turned you down. I remember how heartbroken you were. In my own selfish way, I had a bit of happiness in me - only the smallest bit though.
Then you asked my best friend to homecoming. That was what crushed me. But she said no because she knew that I liked you, if only a little bit. I gave up after that. But I could live with you as my best friend.
Then along came the fair. You met up with us there & we had the best time together. We got rained on in the middle of it, so you gave me the button up shirt you had on & let me cover up my head with it so my hair wouldn't end up a total mess. I wasn't expecting that. But that renewed what I had felt all along. That was the day I said, "Screw this," & walked around you & my best friend's love interest with just my skinny jeans & a bra on. That was entertaining. Then when we went back, we went on the Tilt-A-Whirl. I felt bad for you & sat with you when you were going to sit by yourself. You made one small comment & I moved away from you as a joke. "No, come back!" you said. "Pft. This is just an excuse to have me sit closer to you," I jokingly said. You just smiled. That was when it definitely turned.
A week later, we sat in the band hall, waiting to warm-up for our weekly football game. We sat by each other & talked, as usual. You had asked me to homecoming when you were texting me after the football game the week before. I said yes, of course. I remember you telling my best friend that you never took anyone to homecoming unless you liked them more than a friend. I was excited by this prospect. Maybe you would be mine after all. You looked at me, shook your head, then laughed. "What is it, loser?" I said with a smile. "I'm trying to decide whether I should say this or not." "Oh, come on. Have you not realized you can tell me anything?" You looked at your feet, sighed, then looked back at me. "On a scale of one to ten, what are the chances of us going out?" I remember a million thoughts going through my head at once - Would it be worth it? Would it work out? Is this for real? Am I dreaming? What if.... screw this. "Well, if you actually ask me out, your chances look pretty good." "Well, this is me asking you out." "This is me saying yes." & then we shook hands & laughed.
From there, it's been a whirlwind of amazing times. You've made me the happiest I've been in years, & you accepted me throughout every little thing I've done wrong & all my past mistakes. You laugh when I make fun of your forehead & kiss my nose when I'm freaking out about various things. You're perfect for me.
I can't wait to see what these next months bring. & I hope you like what I'm getting you for Christmas. Something tells me you'll like the photo album that looks like a band flip folder with a T-Rex sticker on the side & some of the best photos of us. It's cheesy, just like I generally am.
Through all your random things that you say, your insane mind, my love of being mean to you, & how I talk about Florida football too much, I'm not giving you up.
You're amazing.
- Monster <3

I cant say this to you so im saying it here.


I love you more than anything in the world and would defend you to the ends of the earth, yet you still wont grant me the common decency and respect that i deserve.

You had to deal with the loss of a child, in a relationship that was already doomed, and i know how much you have to get over that before you can make a go of things with me, but still you procede to lie to me. I asked you to be honest , i always find out whats going on through some way, not that i want to of course, but i do, and everytime i find out another one of your lies it tears my heart out. Why do you do this to me?

Im not one to rant , or to bother others with my problems, and i know i cant tell you any of this because you wouldnt know what to say , or would just stare at me blankly like you always do when i try to talk to you about something serious. I hate feeling this vulnerable and messed up over you . My friends have sworn against you and yet i dont take their advice , because i love you and hope that you love me somewhere beneath that hard exterior.

My flatmate saw you with your ex, you introduced her as your ex , in a way that can only be described as "damage control", and i wonder if you thought at the minute he saw you two together "Shit i better say something before he tells her what he saw!" And your right, he did tell me that he saw you with her and what you said, but only after i contacted him to say you hadnt been in touch and i had no idea why .

Now im not going to say anything , im not even going to txt you, i wont even let on that i know. I want to see if i give you enough rope, will you finally hang yourself this time?

I love you , but i love myself more, and i cant do this, it hurts, i feel sick , i cant think of being with anyone but you, but your actions make it clear that my feelings are of no concern of yours. You Promised me after sorting out things you'd make a proper go of it with me, but what is there to make a go off if you cant trust me enough to be honest with me over something that could quite easily be nothing , a innocent meeting to put an end to everything so you CAN start again , fresh , with me....

But i know in my heart that its never going to happen, your never going to change, and i'll always be naive enough to think that you can...

I really should have listened to everyone else from the beginning and maybe the last 2 months wouldnt have been such a waste of my time.

I havent smoked in weeks, and as i go to light the cigarette to try and subdue the rapid pounding of my heart against my rib cage, I feel numb and empty.Without sounding like a complete emo , the fact that its a cold and clear night is actually kinda nice, i can look up at the sky and embrace the nothingness that you put there.


I think i've said everything i need to,cant think of anything more to say , and you'll never read this or understand how i feel.

My Dear Bert,

You are my best friend in the whole world. The best friend I have ever had. I know we don't see each other all that much, we mainly talk on IM, but we have a connection like no other. I may not tell you every single thing that ever happens in my life, we might not say much at all, but over the years you have been one of the very few people that I can trust with any piece of information I have. I trust you with my secrets and my life. I hope, with all my heart, that we can keep this friendship going even when we're in 2 different states going to 2 different colleges. I have never been good at keeping friendships, or acquaintances for that matter, but I really don't want this one to end. I don't know what I would do without you.

From, Your Sweet Ernie.

venus doomed.

watch me fall for you my venus doom
hide my heart where all dreams are entombed my venus doom.
( plusone )

Dear L,
I love you, you know that right? You're one of my best friends and I only want the best for you. I want you to be happy.
Even if it means being with him.
I noticed you started seeing how pretty you are. I noticed you smile and laugh more. I noticed you're happier with us.
I noticed you're in love.
And so I decided that I'll stay. I'll stay and pick up the pieces when he leaves you. I'll hug you while you cry your crushed heart out.
I'll be there.
Love,
M